Back home!

Took this during my Marine Biology Camping trip! Look at the sky!

Isn’t it scary how fast time is flying? As I’m typing this, I’m currently on the plane flying back to Malaysia for the summer holidays. (Most of my friends and family don’t know that I’m flying back right now, it’s a surprise, so this might be posted up a day later lol). I just can’t believe it’s been almost ten months since I’ve been in the US and a lot has changed for me. Okay, maybe not a lot but still quite a change for me, personally. I remember dreading to go home when I first got to the US, I was so homesick, I couldn’t take it. It took me a whole lot of courage to not turn around. I was scared, really scared. When it sank in that I was actually here for good, I remember my heart beating really fast, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move and it felt like the walls were closing in around me. I was panicking. I don’t know how it started, but it hit me like a bus and I just broke down.

Everything was quite a blur after that. Eventually, I calmed down but I don’t think I handled the situation very well. Honestly, I didn’t know how to deal with it because it was the first time I’ve had a so-called “panic attack”. I’m sorry if I make studying and living overseas sound scary. Well, it is at first but things will get better, it really will. Actually, things are turning out great for me. I’ve met really amazing people; I’m doing fun things, having new opportunities. I guess it’s just about getting through the phase then you’re good. Okay, I’m starting to sound very “moral-of-the-story” here. I’ll stop.

Though for some reason, even though I’m flying back right now, I still have a heavy feeling in my heart. It’s the same feeling I got when I was leaving Malaysia to go to the US. My feelings are pretty messed up right now. It’s like a combination of excitement, fear, happiness, sadness etc. I don’t really know. People are asking me, “Aren’t you excited to go home?!?!” I mean, I am excited to go home, don’t get me wrong but at the same time when people ask me that, I can still feel my heart sink a little. It’s like I left something behind, or I probably am just afraid of having to go through the “adapting process” again. I hate it, ugh. It sucks big time. I just don’t like going through it. But I am definitely looking forward to seeing all my friends & family :) 

I’m going to be home for 2.5 months, I guess that’s not too bad right? I know I sound kinda dramatic, making all this fuss and I’m just going back for 2.5 months. Pretty pathetic sounding huh? I’m on the plane and there are 7 more hours until I reach my FIRST stop (only my first stop, shoot die me) at Incheon, Korea. I have to let out my feelings one way or another. I was going to write it in my journal (Yes, I have a journal, don’t judge), but it’s been a long time since I’ve updated my blog. Why not right? I’ve so much time to kill. Plus, I’m getting really fidgety and antsy… I’m alone and I’m overthinking a lot. I used to like plane rides, but seeing in the future that I’ll have to fly back and forth for about 26 hours+, ehhh… not liking it so much anymore. It’s giving me anxiety…

Anyway, if you’re still reading, I would like to congratulate you for getting through my rant post, haha. Your attention (and concern) was much appreciated. Also, I’m considering to update my blog with mostly of my adventures and rants, just so I can look back at something, and also to share it with people who wanna have adventures too! J I might move to wordpress… or a website… idk. (It’s kinda a big step and a huge commitment). Blogspot is so old; I gotta keep up with the technology man.

Alright, I smell food, that’s my cue to leave. I guess I’m done for this post. Thank you for reading this far, it means a lot to me that some of you still give a shit about me :’) *happy tears* Goodbye for now!

rachellu