How I really feel.

For a few months now,
there's this lump of depression in me,
right next to my heart.
I'm not exaggerating, I can actually feel it.
Strange.
It feels like it is impossible for me to be happy anymore.
Yes, I can still be happy.
But not how I used to be able to.
When I'm happy, I will feel the depression in me.
It makes me sad again.
My feelings start to mix.

Anger.
Sadness.
Happiness.
Hatred.
Neglected.
Forgotten. 
Confusion. 
Love.

They mix to become a liquid.
An undrinkable one.
It was made to puzzle your mind.
To believe you're happy but sad at the same time.
To make you love but hate someone.
To make you angry and then forgiving.
I now suffer the consequences.
It overtakes my body and is in total control.

I don't know what to feel.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so lost, so so lost.
I'm not myself anymore, I know it.
This isn't me, not me at all.
It's like someone took over my life
and I'm fighting to take back what's mine.
My feelings.
My life.

My feelings start to change.
Do you care about me?
Or is it just me?
Are my feelings fading away?
Or maybe you're not the one.
You'd said you fight for me.
But what I feel is emptiness.
Did you take a part of me?
Cause I can't find it anywhere.
This puzzle is waiting to solved.
So please, just give it back.

Everyone is leaving me.
Everything is gone.
I might be in the most crowded place.
But I will still feel so alone.
So far away from everyone.
But in reality, still so close.
This lump of depression won't leave.
It really needs a place to stay.
Please, I beg you.
Get away from me.
I just want my happiness back.

Love Rachel*