Help?

Let me sink to the bottom of the ocean. No one can find me there.

Source: http://hydrotoxicity.tumblr.com/post/23764068589

Late update for today because I just got home from tuition and I just had my dinner. Anyway, I went for Cheer Jam today and tried out a lot of new stunts! Stunts that I didn't know was possible for me to do (:

Recently I've been feeling the tension I have with my best friends. We're very distant now because we don't whatsapp everyday like how we used to and when we go out, honestly, it feels very awkward. Yeah you're not suppose to feel awkward with your best friends but I don't know why. Maybe it's just me I guess. Sometimes, I think, maybe I shouldn't have any best friends to avoid feeling this way, to avoid complications and misunderstanding. Just be close friends you know. You're still close but not super close. We're the same gender so I feel like there's a competition between us sometimes. (If you're best friend is the opposite sex, well, that's a whole different story to tell about. I'll bring it up next time) It's like we're competing for something but I have no idea what is it. I'm not trying to say I don't like them, of course not. I love them very much and they've done so much to support me and they've been there for me. I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Honestly, how do you define best friend? People can define "best friend" very differently. For example, if someone hangs out with you super often that means you guys are best friends or I can tell him/her everything it means you're best friend or it could be other meanings as well, I don't know?

How do I define best friend? Best friend to me is someone who you could tell all your secrets to, stick together, trust that she/he will be there for you when they need you, prioritise you as a best friend, who won't judge you no matter what you do, so on and so forth. To be honest, I sometimes cannot fulfill these duties as a best friend as well and it makes me upset knowing I've disappointed them. That's what I want to avoid, sometimes I just cannot fulfill my duties and it's unfair on my part. Frankly, there are just some things I can't tell my best friends as well because what if they think differently about me and things? And again, it's my fault there. I can't trust my own best friend to not judge me if I tell them my darkest secrets. It's true, you don't need to tell them every single shit but some things you are just so willing to say and you're too afraid that they will judge you maybe not physically but in their minds. See, there are so much complications to such a simple friendship that is why people will often walk in and out of your life. You don't keep them there, you don't give them a reason to maintain friends so you let 'em go and you become awkward acquaintance or just strangers. At this point, I don't know whether I should remain best friends and try to cure that tension or just stay close friends. What if that tension comes back? What if I need them one day and they won't be there? What if they need me and I won't be there? All the possibilities that could happen in a friendship. Please, we haven't even talked about relationships yet and it's way way more complicated than a regular friendship.

So what do I do? Can someone help me? I haven't said anything to them because I really don't know what to do. I hope you all think through this too. If your friendship with someone has been rocky or whether your best friend is really your best friend or have you been doing your part as someone else's best friend properly? Think about it.

What the fuck are you trying to imply?

Love Rachel*